Are you raising a bully?

8 Ways You May be Raising Your Child to Be a Bully

Posted on March 30, 2015 by Dr Ramesh Manocha

We want our kids to grow up happy and successful, but putting happiness and success before caring is raising a generation of bullies.

Admit it. You’ve watched and wondered: is my kid a bully?

Not all the time. Not most of the time. But some of the time. The rough-handed grab, pushy attitude, resentful looks. Is it a bad day, a phase, or something more? Maybe no one has told you to your face you’re raising a bully, but sometimes you can’t help but wonder if other parents are talking about it behind your back.

Bullying starts and ends with an imbalance of power. Too much or too little, the results are often the same: bullying behavior is simply a means to gain more power.

So how do you make sure you’re raising a kind child, and not a bully?

You’ve heard all the usual talk about what causes bullying – overly permissive parenting, violent video games, abuse. What might surprise you is how even the best-intentioned parents – parents just like you – are unknowingly sabotaging their efforts to raise kind, caring kids.

Here are eight ways you may be unknowingly encouraging bullying.

1. Gossiping

Want to raise a mean girl? Act like one. If you wouldn’t include your child in a conversation, you shouldn’t have it within earshot of them. Kids hear everything. The first time my daughter got hold of my phone to mimic me was truly eye-opening. My little cutie-pie morphed into a gossip girl. Eyes wide, hands waving, hips sashaying, screeching, “Wow! No! Hahaha!” She wasn’t even two years old. It was sobering to see myself through her young eyes. Catty comments are no better than outright bullying. It’s indirect bullying, and many of us do it all the time. At some point in your life, someone probably decided you weren’t “cool”, and you didn’t get a say in the matter. Didn’t feel so good, did it? Remember that feeling. Then do your best to shut off your inner gossip, especially in front of your kids.

2. Being too busy to show you care

You love your family. But relationships have their ups and downs, with the direction often being down after children enter the picture. When was the last time you told your partner or family members that you loved them? In front of your kids? Not, “I love you, but…” but just, “I love you.” Positive displays of intimacy in the home are the basis for our kids’ relationships. You’re busy, but a simple hug and kiss for each family member on the way out the door in the morning is a great start towards teaching healthy intimacy. Show them you care, so they can show others they care.

3. The “I hate my…”

You hate your job. Those last few pounds you struggle to lose, or dealing with that messy house, or frizzy hair – your attitude reflects how you view the world. And when we act like we can’t change the outcome, we act helpless. How you feel about life has a long-lasting impact on your kids. They hear their hero (you) act helpless and that will make them feel powerless too. If your kids feel powerless, they may act to reclaim that lost power through bullying behaviour. Save the negative talk for after the kids go to bed (or better yet, channel your frustration into a hobby you love). Let your kids be kids.

4. Mini-me syndrome

Kids today are ever more mature at an ever younger age. Current culture encourages us to treat our kids like mini-adults. But we forget that we are adults (trying to be, anyway), and most of us took decades to be able to even partially manage all this stress. Fully disclosing financial burdens, family illnesses, and work issues all the time just adds additional layers to our kids’ stress. And an outlet for stress? Bullying.

5. Over-scheduling your kids’ activities

We are scared our kids will be at a disadvantage if they don’t participate in everything. So we rush to register them for ballet, karate, soccer, and so much more. But the only thing they miss out on if they have a slower schedule is anxiety and depression. If your child has a passion, by all means allow them the opportunity to explore it in more depth. But kids need unstructured free time. Play time, creative time, quiet time. The damaging effects of full schedules are well documented. Over-scheduling quickly leads to stressed kids. Stress leads to anxiety, anger, and aggression, which paves the way for bullying behaviour.

6. Inconsistent rule enforcement

The last thing I want to do after a long day of pickups, drop-offs, work, and errands is deal with rule breakers, time-outs, and temper tantrums. So we choose to enforce as few rules as possible. But we enforce those few rules all the time. Inside those boundaries lies freedom. Lay the ground rules, enforce them, and give your kids permission to be themselves within those boundaries. They’ll feel a healthy sense of power and independence, and they won’t feel the need to bully in an effort to regain lost power.

7. The triple-play: wincing, waiting, watching

Bullying happens at every age. Every time you watch someone or something happen that you could help prevent with word or action, you are a peer to bullying. You are allowing it to continue through inaction. I understand the appeal of the squirrel-launching rocket videos on YouTube. Really, I do. But the more you watch, the less you care. Turn it off. The long-term effects of desensitisation are very real. Watch and laugh if you must, but remember your child is learning how to react to life through your actions. Make what you do count.

8. Forcing your kids to share

Sharing is a learnt skill that takes time, maturity, and encouragement to develop fully. Ripping a toy out of your kid’s hand to give it to another kid? Bad idea. Talk about sharing, encourage sharing, but most importantly, teach sharing. Offer to loan your child something he’s been wanting to explore. Offer a bite of your dessert. Offer to help with a difficult chore. Forced sharing only results in a feeling of powerlessness. (Taking turns is something different. Don’t confuse the two.) Don’t make your child search for ways to regain their power. Because who’s the most powerful kid in class? The bully.

As parents, we want our kids to grow up happy and successful. But putting happiness and success before caring is raising a generation of bullies. A recent Harvard study discovered that our kids are on to us. The majority of 10,000 kids surveyed believed that achievement and success were their parents’ main priorities, rather than caring for others. We need to change that. You know your child’s true personality. Deep down, you know if they’re a bully or testing boundaries. Be the person your kid wants you to be, so your kid can be the person you want them to be.

- Ashley Trexler

Welcome to the 2015 school year.

I look forward to seeing you at the Meet the teacher evening on Tuesday February 10 at 6.30pm. I will be talking about our Cybersmart policies and how we are trying to keep children safe on the internet while using various devices at school. I will also be sharing our BYOD (Bring your own device) procedures. Attached is some information about how you can help keep your child safe online.

7 Internet Safety Tips to Help Parents Keep their Kids Safe Online

Posted on May 7, 2012 by Dr Ramesh Manocha

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Like many parents with young children, I wondered how early and how often my young daughter should be on the computer. The advice experts’ offer was both surprising and reassuring.

1) It’s almost never too early. Although the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no computer usage before age two, by age three many children are active on the computer.

2) Be first to introduce your child to the computer. Today preschools are using computers, so start positioning yourself early on as the authority over computer usage in your home. Kids also encounter computers during  playdates in friends’ homes. Every family has their own rules, so make sure your child understands your rules. You may, for example, want to tell your young children they’re allowed to play on a computer only if a grownup is in the same room.

3) Teachable moments. Use your computer to teach children boundaries. Setting time limits and making rules like always wash hands first and take turns help your children to learn to follow rules in any context, not just in regards to computers.

4) Together time. Placing your computer in a shared space like the family room establishes an early pattern of parental authority and allows you to monitor your children’s online activities. When your kids are young, interact with them by playing online games and visiting some of the many wonderful educational sites.

With older children, it’s important to regularly discuss the websites they’re visiting. Ask them to share their favorite ones with you. Discuss the accuracy of online information sources. Find common interests you can pursue together online. Be sure to make your full access to their accounts a condition of their joining social networks.

5) Become more tech savvy than your kids. If you’re not already computer literate, ask a friend to teach you. Or maybe there’s a teenager in your neighborhood who you could hire to tutor you. You can also find online tutorials. Learn how to use Facebook or MySpace before your kids do, so when they join these social networks, you can monitor their online social activities.

6) Online social networking starts earlier than you think. Those cuddly critters with codes attached? They’re your child’s first foray into online social networking. Some social networking sites geared to children—Webkinz, for example—don’t reveal names, emails or other personal information but others may not have as many safeguards. Get familiar with children’s sites before introducing them to your child.

7) Bullies and predators. The same guidelines that apply to protecting your children from bullies and predators in real life apply to cyberspace. Not surprisingly, online bullying may be the more common threat. Taking precautions like following your children’s online social networking and keeping in touch with the parents of your children’s friends will help keep you aware of potentially harmful situations.

Talking to your Kids is so important

Talking To Your Kids To Keep Them Drug Free

Posted on November 7, 2014 by Imogen

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While drugs can take their toll on both physical and mental health for young and old, teenagers are particularly vulnerable to the effects that these addictive substances have on their developing brain. As a result, this may lead to long-term problems for their mental function and place them at increased risk of mental illness. Young people should also be aware of the wider issues related to drug taking, such as the impact this can have on their performance at school. As drug taking among young people remains an important issue, this is a topic parents need to tackle with their kids long before they are even offered drugs. While some parents may not be sure how to raise the subject with their children, particularly at a young age, guidance on how to discuss substance abuse with your kids is available. This guide explains how to cover the issue of drug abuse with your children at each stage and also helps you to recognise some of the signs that your teen is abusing drugs, as this requires a separate conversation.

The Early Years

Even though you may not think to bring up the subject of drugs before your child starts school, at this age you can begin to prepare them for the choices they will need to make in their later years by giving them opportunities to start using their decision-making skills, and this is an appropriate stage to focus on dangers at home such as pill bottles. By the time they are in year 3 of primary school, your discussion needs to have moved on to introduce the concept of drugs as substances that can harm their body and lead to an addictive habit. During these years it is also important to discuss and encourage healthy behaviours, such as eating well and staying active, as these can help to protect against drug taking later. As they progress through primary school, make sure that you are armed with the facts about the dangers of drug misuse so that you can educate your kids on these and answer their questions. You may also want to try role playing scenarios where they are offered drugs so that your kids feel confident to turn these down. While your children will start to become more independent at this age, it is essential you show an interest in what your kids do and their friends, as knowing this information can alert you to any problems early on.

Science Fair

The library is full of the amazing investigations the Y5-8 children have been working on for their Science Fair. These will be displayed in the library until Friday September 26. Come in and have a look, you'll be impressed.

Sacrament Art

Mrs Keates has been working with the Year 7/8 children helping them to illustrate the Sacraments. Come in and see the beautiful display they have in the office area. We congratulate the children who will make the Sacrament of Confirmation 7pm tomorrow night in Rangiora.

Parents Are Having Much Farther Reaching Effects Than They Know

Posted on August 15, 2014 by Shridevi

We were pretty good at keeping computers and televisions out of bedrooms, but as technology developed we somehow missed that phones and tablets ARE computers.

One of the main conversations I have with parents is about their exhaustion at parenting with so many devices in the home. Parents feel out of control. At my seminars I often ask for a show of hands and the majority of families own a collection of iPads, iPods, other tablets, an Xbox, a Wii, a DS, iPhones and more…

Most parents wonder if their limit setting is actually worth it.

It’s so constant isn’t it? I have 3 children and it feels like I have to remind them of the boundaries with technology regularly.

But be encouraged, it IS worth it.

A study of over 1300 families, by my colleague in the US found, “that parents are having much farther reaching effects than they know.”

The study indicated some powerful benefits for children when parents set healthy limits on entertainment screen time (TV and video games) and limits of the type of content viewed.

Some effects are seen more immediately and others over time.

(Please keep in mind that ‘limiting’ does not mean banning all technology or taking everything away – it indicates a healthy balance and an inclusion of many other actives, such as sport, drama, kicking a ball, going shopping, chatting over dinner…)

“When parents are involved it has a powerful protective effect across a wide range of different areas that they probably never would have expected to see,” (Douglas Gentile)

Two Immediate effects of placing limits on media (which seem obvious but are great to see):

1. Those children spent less time on TV and video games

2. Those children saw less violent media content

However, it is the long-term effects that surprised the researchers the most. Children whose parents set more limits on the amount of time spent with media 7 months before:

1. were now getting more sleep

2. were getting better grades in school

3. had an indirectly positive change in Body Mass (because children were simply moving around more)

Additionally, parents limiting children’s content exposure (to violent media) 7 months before resulted in:

1. increased prosocial behaviour – exhibiting more helpful and cooperative pro-social behaviors at school

2. less aggressive behaviour toward their peers

Image adapted from Iowa State University study

Doug reminds us that the effect is not immediate and that makes it difficult for parents to recognise. We don’t notice children growing taller in a day, or see Maths grades improve after a week of extra maths lessons, but after a year? – well that is when we suddenly notice that our son has grown too tall for his trousers.

Thus, this principle applies to media exposure. i.e Our children are not going to become violent street brawlers after a few days of playing

violent video games, or get an F in English after staying up for the World Cup, but over time the distributed effects on their lives are real.

A note on aggression: Parents assume that we mean that children will display violent behaviours or become involved in school punch-ups after playing days and days of GTA, and when that doesn’t happen, they say, “You see, there is no effect on my child! The study is nonsense.” However, learned aggression is not related to direct copying behaviours, but ways of thinking. Thinking about how others see you, their intentions toward you and their value as a human being etc.

It is important to remember that the largest growing market of gamers are adults, hence the games developed with adult themes. Yet there are far too many children playing violent (MA15+) games, while still in the process of growing and developing their sense of self, sense of others and learning about the world around them.

If you still don’t believe there is any effect on children please think about a simplistic illustration for a moment – How do you learn a phone number? You repeat it over and over and over until it is committed to memory. Even when you erase the number from your phone, it is burned into your brain for a long time. I can still remember the phone number from my childhood home in another country, which changed over 25 years ago. Can you?

Please be encouraged

“When you tell your child that they’ve reached their limit of screen time for the day or that they aren’t allowed to play a particular game because of its content, you aren’t going to see their grades improve immediately or better behavior tomorrow (in fact, you might see a lot of complaining today). But this study demonstrates that the effects of setting and enforcing limits has powerful benefits for children’s health, school, and social outcomes. That’s remarkable when you realize that these are all very different types of outcomes, and setting media limits has a measurable impact on all of them for the future!” A/Prof Douglas Gentile

In our home we don’t always get it perfectly right, but this study is encouraging to all of us ‘limit setters’. It is worth it. We do have a positive effect, even if we don’t notice it today.

Collett Smart is a registered psychologist, psychology tutor at UWS, speaker, freelance writer and mum of 3. She writes on her blog here. You can follow here on Twitter at @collettsmart and on her Facebook page here.

Limiting Screen time

Limiting Screen Time Yields Multiple Benefits by Dr Ramesh Manocha

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Parents may not always see it, but efforts to limit their children’s screen time can make a difference. A new study, published in JAMA Pediatrics, found children get more sleep, do better in school, behave better and see other health benefits when parents limit content and the amount of time their children spend on the computer or in front of the TV.

Douglas Gentile, lead author and an associate professor of psychology at Iowa State, says the effect is not immediate and that makes it difficult for parents to recognize. As a result, parents may think it is not worth the effort to monitor and limit their children’s media use. But Gentile says they have more power than they realize.

“When parents are involved it has a powerful protective effect across a wide range of different areas that they probably never would have expected to see,” Gentile said. “However, parents aren’t likely to notice that putting limits on the children’s media is having these effects seven months later.”

Considering that children average more than 40 hours of screen time a week, not counting time spent on a computer at school, even small changes can make a difference, researchers said. They are not suggesting parents completely eliminate screen time, but find a healthy balance.

The study found there is a ripple effect associated with the benefits of limiting both screen time and media content. Gentile is not surprised to see a direct impact on sleep, academics and behavior. However, limited screen time also indirectly affects body mass index. The study found that children got more sleep if parents limited screen time, which also resulted in lower risk of obesity. Parents limiting exposure to violent media resulted in increased prosocial behavior and lowered aggressive behavior seven months later.

Researchers analyzed the media habits of more than 1,300 school children who were recruited to participate in an obesity prevention program. Students and parents were surveyed about everything from screen time limits, to violent media exposure, to bedtimes and behavior. Teachers reported grades and commented on student behavior and school nurses measured each student’s height and weight.

Data were collected at the start of the program and seven months later at the end of the program. By looking at these factors collectively with a group of children over a school year, it was easier for researchers to identify patterns that are hard to recognize in individual children.

- Iowa State University